07/01/2020: a look back on life Poland.

awaiting my death on the edge of a fountain’s reach. watching the sky as the sun’s ray deplete, and the clouds come rolling from the east. i know this feeling, but here? here i thought i was free… here i thought i was excused from the grips.

i ran, i flew, swam, and drove, but yet i face you again here at life’s peak.

06/29/2020: a new start

I can easily say that I look back on myself, and even my loved ones, with an immense amount of pity. I mean, just thinking about the difficulties of life makes you sort of want to curb all existential thoughts. How brave our pasts selfs were to traverse life’s perils and come out where we are now.

Every moment we thought we could no longer take it, has brought us here today. Yet, and but so, we are still alive— we are still engaged in these feelings.

Think for a moment how hard it was for younger you to survive in the environment it was given.

Maybe we should forgive ourselves because the hand we were dealt then wasn’t as good as what we have now. It’s easy to judge when there is little at stake.

Life is something breath-taking and incredible but that’s only when you’re able to assess the situation.

I wonder if in the near future, or distant, i’ll stumble upon this again; and hopefully i’ll reassure myself that I did all I could and that I’m proud of who I became.

With each sunrise, is another opportunity to forgive someone, even if that someone is you.

06/28/2020: nocturnal nostalgia

I have, more so than before, these moments where my thoughts seem to be beyond me. Where what i plan to say and plan to do already exist in a sphere, and i simply step into said sphere. This notion, i thought this word was necessary for some reason, makes me think that life has already been experienced, that the generations of millions are dead and buried and it’s only myself shifting through them like pages on a book.

I wonder now if this makes me sad or if it makes me more understanding of the human psyche; or maybe it just solidifies that i am human, and that my existence is fragile. That maybe the likelihood of being something beyond a moment that’s already past is just not possible.

Then i wonder, how this reality is fragile, and this should be understood as by the fact that space above us proves we aren’t more than organisms from Earth, and with its fragility i think how impossible it is that someone could make me question it. How someone could make me wonder if there’s something beyond reality, or that maybe being human isn’t such a bad thing.

I think as we grow older we wish for the supernatural to exist because we are simply wishing for hope. Hope that our dreams aren’t meaningless, yet not to be mistaken because dreams have meaning, what we do and what drives us are essential for a great existence here on Earth, but the subject is more important than simply just existing here on Earth. I think that it isn’t ghosts that scare us but the idea that there aren’t ghosts.

We very much need the hope of the afterlife as much as we need a good scary movie to scare our senses but soothe our sub-conscious anxieties that we are all alone here— and we always will be.

I think this is wholesome, because it strengthens my desires for Earthly relationships and goods. When we die, it is gone; and let’s not gloss over that we were the select few allowed to exist and ponder the heavens. “But 6 billion people is a lot.” No it’s not, not when you consider how countable the number of bacteria on your finger are.

This is something special, even when it doesn’t feel like it. We don’t exist for pleasure or for any good holy reason— we simply exist.

Consider who you care about, keep them close in your thoughts and in your heart, because the river flows downward towards the inevitable chasm that consumes us all.

9/365

Animals: Choose an animal. Write about it

i rest before sleep to remain restless for the majority of the evening, so that up until dawn, i lay awake in a trance of unprovoked thought. i have come to understand and realize that as a person i am not sad, i am not depressed, i am what i allow myself to be. even as i write i begin to feel as though i am elevating upwards towards something new, a sort of enlightenment or sorts, an aufklärung. i understand who i am and why i am this way.

life is a constant struggle of understanding why we are reactionary to principles we can’t control, but if given enough thought, we can understand we are doing what we are inadvertently apart of.

i have found answers beyond what i thought capable. my minds thinks freely and more abstract, i am more human because what makes me human is what i don’t understand about myself. i understand all this now. my body is not and my existence is not, but me as a being that has come to understand what i am and who i am, well that is more than me.

one needs to begin to traverse the perils of self-understanding and wallow in the incomprehensible and appreciate it. we are flawed and we hate what we are, but we are just that.

so then what? we hate ourselves and forlorn? the opposite though, appreciate the very ideas that we are more than our physical self; love yourself for just that.