07/01/2020: a look back on life Poland.

awaiting my death on the edge of a fountain’s reach. watching the sky as the sun’s ray deplete, and the clouds come rolling from the east. i know this feeling, but here? here i thought i was free… here i thought i was excused from the grips.

i ran, i flew, swam, and drove, but yet i face you again here at life’s peak.

06/28/2020: nocturnal nostalgia

I have, more so than before, these moments where my thoughts seem to be beyond me. Where what i plan to say and plan to do already exist in a sphere, and i simply step into said sphere. This notion, i thought this word was necessary for some reason, makes me think that life has already been experienced, that the generations of millions are dead and buried and it’s only myself shifting through them like pages on a book.

I wonder now if this makes me sad or if it makes me more understanding of the human psyche; or maybe it just solidifies that i am human, and that my existence is fragile. That maybe the likelihood of being something beyond a moment that’s already past is just not possible.

Then i wonder, how this reality is fragile, and this should be understood as by the fact that space above us proves we aren’t more than organisms from Earth, and with its fragility i think how impossible it is that someone could make me question it. How someone could make me wonder if there’s something beyond reality, or that maybe being human isn’t such a bad thing.

I think as we grow older we wish for the supernatural to exist because we are simply wishing for hope. Hope that our dreams aren’t meaningless, yet not to be mistaken because dreams have meaning, what we do and what drives us are essential for a great existence here on Earth, but the subject is more important than simply just existing here on Earth. I think that it isn’t ghosts that scare us but the idea that there aren’t ghosts.

We very much need the hope of the afterlife as much as we need a good scary movie to scare our senses but soothe our sub-conscious anxieties that we are all alone here— and we always will be.

I think this is wholesome, because it strengthens my desires for Earthly relationships and goods. When we die, it is gone; and let’s not gloss over that we were the select few allowed to exist and ponder the heavens. “But 6 billion people is a lot.” No it’s not, not when you consider how countable the number of bacteria on your finger are.

This is something special, even when it doesn’t feel like it. We don’t exist for pleasure or for any good holy reason— we simply exist.

Consider who you care about, keep them close in your thoughts and in your heart, because the river flows downward towards the inevitable chasm that consumes us all.


Friendship: Write about being friends with someone.

Thomas Klaken found himself in a terrifying situation when be befriend a girl from his school named Louisa Aerosky. Louisa was new to Rockefeller Jr. High School in Jasper, Alabama, unlike Thomas, who had been a student in the city of Jasper since he was a child. Klaken was a native born Alabamian. No one was quite sure where Louisa was from, not even the teachers fully understood where she was she transferred from because her paperwork simply stated “RUSSIA, RUSSIA.”

No one in Thomas’ school had even been to Russia and their only understanding of Russia was that communism was bad for just about everything they stood for in America; this was grounds enough for the kids to exclude her from any social gathering that happened during or after school hours. This, unfortunately for Thomas, was how he happened to meet Louisa, and how his first interaction with Louisa would be the sole event that changed his life completely.

The weather is Alabama is always quite fair and if it isn’t fair that means the weather is horrid and on this day, the weather happened to be horrid. A common occurrence in Alabama around February was what locals called “nado, weather,” or simply put, tornado weather. Thomas, like most Alabamians, had seen his fair share of tornado warnings and tornadoes; but tornadoes were completely new to Lousia.

The school day was coming to an end, and like most tornadoes, they came towards the end of a school day around 1pm. “Why couldn’t they come in the morning so I didn’t have to come to school”, thought Thomas. Thomas heard the sirens whine in the background of an otherwise normal day of school. The students stopped to listen to the echoed sound that seemed to be a layer above anything else that made a sound. It seemed almost apocalyptic, the minutes before a tornado. There was a calmness in the air and the sky looked like leafs in the fall just as they start to change colors. Every student and every teacher intently stared at the sky almost as if waiting for some sort of prophet to return from the heavens with information that could possibly help them in anyway.

It had begun. The students formally stepped out of their classrooms and into the hallways to sit down with her heads against the wall and the thickest textbook, which was always the history textbook, over their heads. Teachers yelled professionally with a slight pinch of fear in their voices for students to get into position. Students and teachers are trained to remain in this position when the fear of a tornado becomes all too real. It was always even more apparent to the students the seriousness of the tornado warning if teachers always sat down in the same position as they did. This was one of those days.

Thomas sat down and looked at his inner-ankles and noticed a bit of hair starting to grow on them. He forgot to wear socks today. Thomas thought about school and what he would do after the tornado warning had pasts and what he would do at home whenever the bell rang. Thomas understood the seriousness of the situation but he couldn’t seem to careless because of how normalized this process had become to him. However, next to Thomas was Louisa, who, according to Thomas looked terrified of the situation and felt the need to constantly look at her surroundings.

“Don’t worry about it,” Thomas said to Louisa.
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s a tornado! That thing can kill us.” Louisa spoke when a hurried voice that seemed to have nowhere to go.
“This happens all the time, like, 10 times a year in Bama.”
“Alabama sounds like hell.” Louisa replied without looking at Thomas.
“It ain’t so bad.”

Thomas looked at Louisa, who seemed in no mood to reply. It was then that the stillness emptied the air around everyone in the school for a brief second before a trickling of hail slammed against the school walls and windows. The sound of category-5 winds slugging hail against structures sounds like a swarm of locust coming to devour whatever lay in its path. The teachers and the students knew that before the tornado came hail and after the hail came the fear. Thomas felt the same fear that Louisa was filling now. Tornado warnings were just tornado warnings but hail meant a tornado was surely going to hit near you.

There was a shattering bang that seemed to come from all directions that caught everyone off guard. A few of the teachers could be heard screaming and ducking next to the children for cover. Thomas quickly looked over at Louisa who seemed stoic and unmoved by the recent progression of  events that continued to turn worse as the minutes went by. Louisa looked over at Thomas and smiled because she knew he knew what she knew, and that everything would be okay regardless of what was to come next.

What came next was the most devastating tornado in Alabama since the early 1900s. Several teachers had died and hundreds of students did too as the tornado destroyed everything in its path. Thomas and Louisa were two of the unlucky ones and perished during the horrifying weather.



Animals: Choose an animal. Write about it

i rest before sleep to remain restless for the majority of the evening, so that up until dawn, i lay awake in a trance of unprovoked thought. i have come to understand and realize that as a person i am not sad, i am not depressed, i am what i allow myself to be. even as i write i begin to feel as though i am elevating upwards towards something new, a sort of enlightenment or sorts, an aufklärung. i understand who i am and why i am this way.

life is a constant struggle of understanding why we are reactionary to principles we can’t control, but if given enough thought, we can understand we are doing what we are inadvertently apart of.

i have found answers beyond what i thought capable. my minds thinks freely and more abstract, i am more human because what makes me human is what i don’t understand about myself. i understand all this now. my body is not and my existence is not, but me as a being that has come to understand what i am and who i am, well that is more than me.

one needs to begin to traverse the perils of self-understanding and wallow in the incomprehensible and appreciate it. we are flawed and we hate what we are, but we are just that.

so then what? we hate ourselves and forlorn? the opposite though, appreciate the very ideas that we are more than our physical self; love yourself for just that.


Dream-catcher: Write something inspired by a recent dream you had.


I don’t sleep. Every night, every dream, every second under the veil, I can see your face all over again; I can see each minuet detail of every facial expression you’ve ever made contorted into one hideous disfigurement of the love you used to represent to me. You come in closer towards my face and do what I can only comprehend as kiss me on the cheek. There is no sensation from it; there is no feeling like there used to be. A part of my mind seems to remember this feeling, like a wind chime remembers a tune after each breeze of wind, but it doesn’t stick onto the conscious level and in the end, only a distant hum can be heard from the wind hitting the chimes.

I miss you. I know that is what my dream is telling me. There isn’t a hidden message in it. Explanation need not be Freudian because the answer is very clear and right there. I miss you. During the day, aside from daydreams that carry me on a treadmill placed in a pit of mud, I can ignore it and just try to move on; It is only when I sleep that I truly can see your face again and here your innocent laugh. Love is the painful process that has recycled my brain into nothing. To cry that it is unfair is clique, but to say that it isn’t is ignorance.

Every sentence she spoke and the words she learned to use so perfectly to form the exact statement I wished to hear, melt in my dreams. I can see the physical words, drenching the floor around me taking the walls with it, and with walls of thoughts crumbling, the viscosity of your words cling to me pulling me down further into your words; and I wonder if I suffocate here in your words, would I die in my sleep like I would in my dream. There is no help shaking them off and like seed pods stuck to wool socks, your words attach themselves to me and soon begin to sprout and root me to the floor. Every thing you’ve ever said to me bounds me to the place in my head that is killing me.

I wake up the same as I do every morning; the only thing that changes is that each day I wake up it becomes more painful than the day before. There is no gauge that is showing me how much longer I can go before the pain and the memory just become too much for me to bear. Nothing seems that real anymore to me, not even your mother. She tries her hardest everyday to be there for me but I can see even in her that she’s crushed physically; she’s a waif; a drawn up figure with nothing of value in a 3 dimensional world because of her habitual morning cocktails. We both have our methods of handling each night, but I couldn’t tell you who’s was healthier.

Every night I hope the same thing – that my dreams aren’t the last place I will see you.



The Rocket-ship: Write about a rocket-ship on it’s way to the moon or a distant galaxy far, far, away

The last group of Americans tersely murmured with one another. There was an overwhelming sense of dread that circulated among the crowd. Today was, what was coined by the Meteorologist, the Great Unveiling of Mankind. All precautions were done to ensure that this day would never come but it seemed that no matter what the city of Peoples did, the end was still inevitable. That is until the Doctor had a great revelation and convinced the town of what would be needed in order to curve the smoldering doom. The plan was simple and everyone, aside from a single family, was fully disposed and eager for the plan to commence. It made perfect sense for the single family to not be supportive of the Doctor’s grandiose idea.

What exactly is the plan? The father asked the 3 men standing by the door in religious garbs. What the father could assume was the leader of the 3 men explained that the Doctor believes that a sacrifice need be made to appease the intergalactic overlords. The Doctor understands the fanatical concept of this demand but, without explaining more than a schoolboy’s thought process, he said that they had simply run out of ideas. The father protested but 2 men pinned him down and the leader left to take his son.

Without fight, the boy was taken by the man. He was too young to really understand what was happening, but the sight of him seeing his father struggling built in him a tantrum-filled fight. The man did what he could to calm the boy down before he simply pulled out a garage-made handgun and shot the boy with it. A small zap of electricity came out of the gun and it stunned the boy, soothing his emotions and putting him into a catatonic state. After a few seconds of the father screaming, he too was soon shot by the stun-gun.

The boy was put into a clay pot shaped like a portly-round bottom, skinny top; he was placed at the bottom of the pot. People gathered around and chanted a pray aloud hoping this would be the final testament to their love for the Holders, as the townsfolk called them. From within the pot can be heard a feint knocking sound against the clay as it was loaded onto the launching-dock that was used to transport objects between the Survivors and the Holders.

“May the Holders be pleased.”
“May the Holders be pleased!”

The clay pot was launched upwards and taken by a lurid blue beam that left everyone watching blinded for a few minutes. Bits of clothing and hair were burned by the impact of the light. Nothing was said after the boy was transported but everyone seemed much more hopeful that the sacrifice would suffice. The Survivors awaited patiently for their fate, while the father of the boy eagerly awaited his chance to see his boy again.


Dancing: Who’s dancing and why are they tapping those toes?

I’ve heard them dancing for 4 days now. 4 days. 4 days, nonstop, consistent, without missing a beat. I don’t know what could be the situation that entails 4 days worth of nonstop stomping around, dancing, but it couldn’t be anything human. I was starting to suspect that whatever was happening in the apartment above me was something supernatural, or something sinister.

I had to narrow down what it was before I approached the door myself; so I scoped-it-out for 45 minutes with my ear against the door. I tried to listen for whatever I could; I didn’t hear anything, no music, no dancing, no singing, the room sounded like it was never hollowed out but just a large dense square. I stepped away from the door and assessed it accordingly.

It couldn’t have been aliens, so i ruled that out of my list of “Things That Could Be Dancing For 4 Days Straight;” I didn’t believe in aliens, which made it even easier to check off my list. Only a nut-job with a tinfoil starter cap would believe in green men hovering over our planet. It had to be something else. I assessed my list of possibilities.

Things That Could Be Dancing For 4 Days Straight: (Written in order from Most Likely to Not Very Likely but Still Likely)

  • Ghost
  • Spirits
  • Demons
  • Lions
  • Witches
  • Wardrobes
  • Drug-addicts
  • Drug-addicts dressed as ghost performing a ritual
  • People Dancing
  • Anything else that resembles something sinister aside from aliens or all things extraterrestrial.

This is my list and I’m sticking to it. Now, the plan of figuring out what could possibly be happening in that room. If it’s ghosts, spirits, or demons, my greatest tool will be any kind of evidence capturing device. It’s common knowledge that what ghosts, spirits, and demons fear the most is being exposed in their naked, phantom bodies for the physical realm to mock and plaster across internet websites. I plan to bring with me a headlamp with a mini camera attached to it and a larger, the size of a shoe, sized camera that’ll be recording the whole thing. If there is a ghost, spirit, or demon in there, it’ll fade away in fear and the dreaded, metronome, tap-dancing will stop. Checkmate.

But what if it’s not a ghost, spirit, or demon, though very unlikely it’s not, i will have to prepare for the other options. Next is Lions. I read in a philosophy book once that lions may use waygates resembling that of a wardrobe. If my fears, and calculations are correct, it could have entered into our dimension and has begun wrecking havoc in that apartment trying its hardest to get out. Now, one might wonder: But if it’s a lion it would get tired and stop moving after 4 days. Yes. Yes this would be true for any ordinary lion, but this is, if a lion, a magical lion that never gets tired; meaning, it’s been searching 4 days straight on how to exit the apartment. I believe the course of action is to either wait for it to go back home through the waygate and once it has, enter the room and lock it. On the likely event it’ll never return home and continue to tap dance, i’ll have no choice but to put out an ad on the Republican chat board in my city for one lucky person to have the chance to kill a Lion and pose with it. This is, of course, not the favored plan.

Next, a witch. This would be similar to the Lion regarding its origin and the patients needed to wait until she or he goes back home. I put the witch lower on the list because, and it seems like this is a perfect moment to express my wisdom and logic over the situation, if it is a witch, she clearly has the human knowledge to open the door with her evolutionary gifts. This is why I don’t believe strongly it’s the witch; however, I do believe it could be a wounded witch. She most likely escaped her realm do to a riot by the townspeople demanding she be burned for her sins, logically. This being said, she was overwhelmed and hurt and needed to escape by coming in that room. Her wounds might have been neurological and be causing her to have seizures; or she is angry at the rebellion and she’s pacing the room for days devising a plan of revenge, which is logical because witches have no need for sleeping and due to their mystic-powers; 1 week in witches’ time is only 1 day human time. This makes sense. If it happens to be a witch, who is escaping a rioting mob, and she won’t return back through the waygate, I plan to enter the room with several large buckets of water, which i will use to dump on the witch to make her weak; and to finish her off i’ll use a mini-electronic keyboard to smash her with, as I have seen that a witch’s true weakness is being crushed by a piano, yet I cannot do that, so I assume a mini-keyboard is perfect and bashing her with it could do the same tricks. This is logical.

Wardrobe. Yes, what I fear the most out of the earlier two options. Yet, it seems unlikely that it is the wardrobe itself allowing creatures to constantly leave through the waygate and not just those select few that are chosen. Yes! That could be, logically, happening but I tend to doubt this. If this was the case that would mean several hundreds of creatures would be coming and going nonstop for four days now, but I believe that if this were the case, the creatures would have fought or something would have broken, yet, there is no evidence of a scuffle or any damages. I will leave wardrobe on the table but I am in doubt.

Drug-addicts. They cross my path daily because of my apartment complex’s location in the deep horn of the fatty bull, i.e. the shit end of a banquet for feeding. I have come home from my job, as a paranormal investigator several times to see homeless drug-addicts smoking away at their marijuana cigarettes, just chiefing their time away until they eventually chew the gum of death. Many times in my field of work i’ve seen homeless people that I assumed were paranormal phenomenons, but it always just happened to be several drug addicted people awaiting my arrival for them to laugh in my face. Wretch! If it happens to be drug addicts, i’ll flush their drugs down the toilet and report the incident to the authorities.

Drug-addicts dressed as Ghosts performing a ritual. Wretch! Wretches! The disgracing of the afterlife. Wretches! I’ll let the ghosts deal with them.

People Dancing. This is not a joke, but simply an assumption based around Murphy’s Law and a bit of Occam’s Razor combined. While I do 99% doubt this as the logical answer, I’ll give credit to my philosophical predecessors.

Anything else sinister. I would also like to categorize this group as “Anything else I didn’t guess originally.” How would I deal with this? Suicide. There are things I just can’t handle and this might be one of those things. So, I plan to take a .22 Revolver with me just in-case this go south and it’s something I cannot deal with. In that case, I leave my wife, Princess Jessica Blanc van Grekinheim, my entire estates, which include, and is limited to, my lease of $350 a month for my cozy apartment, my small tv that cannot connect to cable, my ghost hunting equipment, and my membership to Fitness Planet. I love you Jessica Blanc van Grekinheim and if the worse comes, like a wraith or soul-reaper, just know that i’ve always loved you from a far and that we could have been a perfect married couple together.

I plan to go into the apartment tonight. At 8pm sharp, I will, without knocking, open the door and prepare to eliminate whatever creature is in their making that noise.

It’s 7:50PM. I make my way through the stairs and towards the room. The hallways are eerie and without the presence of anything, I have a slight chilling sensation that something is actually here with me now; watching me, touching me, violating my private thoughts and infiltrating my plans. It’s almost as though there is a ghost guarding the very hallway leading up to the room to warn the others that someone is coming with the intentions of stopping me from finding it.

“I’m not crazy! Ghost. They’re real! And i’m going to get you on tape tonight, and show the entire world that you are real! And you cannot stop me now!”

The only thing left stopping me is the door. Something happened! The eyehole, the eyehole. There was something watching me from the eyehole! I knew there was something sinister in there. I knew it! Without pause I forced the door open, and though it was locked, there was no stopping my entire body’s weight focused in my shoulder from stopping me. I heard screaming. I was now inside the apartment. It seemed clean, tightly furnished, and well-kept. Not the typical environment for ghosts to hang around but it was also not the typical environment for drug-addicts to hang around, so that brought relieve.

I can feel it again! The ghosts, attempting to dissect my thoughts! “I know you’re here ghosts! I will find you! Don’t you try and stop me with your mind tricks!”

I followed the sound of the dancing through the living room and into the hallway. This model seemed bigger than mine, but I was always told that the higher up one goes in the apartment the better and more spacious the apartments become. I always thought that was a hoax but I guess it’s real. The apartment was empty but it was clear there someone was living there or at least someone was there recently. There was one last room that I hadn’t looked at yet and it seemed to be the loudest area of tapping. It was there. It was behind this wall that the tapping would be found and the source of constant mental fatigue would end. After 4 grueling days of nonstop thumping onto my skull, I was finally there. Finally ready to end what it was that no longer left me feeling sane.


“I’m not exactly sure detective Brown what his intentions were.”
“I understand, ma’am. I don’t understand it though. You know, we see stuff like this all the time, man comes into a house, kills himself and tries to make it look like someone else killed him, but here, he even recorded himself killing himself right in front of you. When I watched over the tape, ma’am, I noticed he said something to you right before he entered, something like uh, ‘the dancing ends now?’ You got, uh, any idea what that could mean?
“I wish I did, sir. I’ve never spoken to the man. I knew he lived below me but that’s about it. I’ve seen him maybe 5 times max, and next I know he’s busting through my bedroom door yelling something about ghosts and dancing.”
“I understand, ma’am. Look, I know this might be difficult, Ms. Grekinheim, but we might need to ask you more question within the next coming weeks. In the mean time, try to get some rest. Everything’s gonna be ok.”
“Okay. I think I’ll be fine. I’m just shaken up a bit.”
“That’s only logical. Thank you for your time.”
“Of course.”

a walk with death

Kindred flames burn bright amongst the light, but where does the flame go when the darkness consumes.

We all shan’t be remembered, except maybe those unlucky few – but what of friends and families, lives, and stories.

Children won’t be spared, as the tombstones read, and even the healthy aren’t but a slip away from the eternal sea.

Sit with death, and keep him company, just as everyone before you.

But know that amongst the dead, the faintest sound heard behind the ear, resembles the sound of their voice, which was once carried by the wind.