6/365

Eye Contact: Write about two people seeing each other for the first time.

It was a dream I’ve had since I was a child watching the Atlanta Braves pitch strikes and whack home-runs outta the park and into the crowds of fans hoping to catch a ball and pass it down from generation-to-generation. The dark thing about dreams that nobody tells you about as a child is that no matter how badly you want it, no matter how badly you think you deserve it, no matter the cost, the egregious truth is you most likely still won’t achieve it. It’s something you don’t wanna tell kids; you don’t wanna break them at such a young age to the true forlorn of American society. We tell’em they could be the president, that they could be astronauts, or that they could write the next War and Peace. This is the fundamental lie of being a human. There are days when I’ve build a good alcoholic foundation for thoughts to rest on, and I boil the ideas a bit, heat’em up, toss’em around and make something stupid from’em; but I can’t seem to understand why we set ourselves up for failure at such a young age.

On all levels, I am a failure. I feel like a failure because I failed at what it was I wanted the most as a child. It’s amazing what things stick from childhood and what things don’t. My childhood dream became my teenage dream, and then it became my young adult dream, and then it became my adult dream, and now it has become nothing but the giant reminder that I see everyday in the mirror, on the odd day I have the courage to look into the mirror, that I failed myself; I failed myself today, yesterday, tomorrow and worst of all, I failed that little boy wearing a Braves hat slapping his hand into a glove his father bought’em because he had a wild dream that he knew would come true and that there weren’t gonna be nobody stopping’em from getting it. I failed that kid.

Season tickets are still something I waste a good 5 grand on yearly. Not sure why I still do it, but, I guess some part of me is still that kid that thinks any day I can still make the dream come true. The thing about being a kid is that you never stop believing, you never give up on it. There’s something about being an adult that just wears you down from these cheap jabs that come from multiple angles, but kids, they ain’t aware of this yet. I bet, I bet my season tickets, if I saw my younger self in front of me today, right this moment, he’d look at me and smile, he’d say “Gosh darn, any day now, I’ma make it on that field.” Too many days spent sulking at the image of letting that boy down.

“I think from some of the questions you’ve answered here, Sully, I think I’m going to refer you to get a full mental evaluation.”
“So you mean someone else is going to tell me I’m crazy?”
“No, Mr. Sully. I believe this evaluation will better allow us to treat you for whatever is causing this depression. Maybe it’s not clinical depression but some other underlining cause and we need to get to the bottom of it.”
“What do you think it could possibly be? You know, aside from the obvious.”
“Personally, I think it would just be best if you went ahead and got the mental evaluation before I myself made a proper diagnosis.”
“You’re not leaving me with much comfort here, doc.”

I think it’s fair to believe life comes in waves to simply harm you; to do nothing more but assassinate the very ambitions that keep you going. It’s almost like life is a game being controlled by some grand-player and its goal is to see how long it takes to break us; how long it takes to crush us before we’re already spelling out our epithet and picking the lot that we wish to fermentate.

“Clonazepam?”
“We are going to see if it helps.”
“What if it doesn’t?”
“Let’s be hopeful; but if it doesn’t, we will need to see you again and try out some other options.”

A part of me is hopeful that this works. I can’t stand anymore; I can’t stand seeing that boy in my dreams looking down at me with a frown on his face all teary-eyed and whispering his disdain for me.

“Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.”
“Thanks… You too.”

I took a single pill and closed the medicine cabinet. I looked at myself in the mirror for a glance, turned off the light, and rolled out of the bathroom.

“Dream big, kid.”

 

 

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